Wednesday, 26 June 2013

The Lighter Side

Reader’s Digest has known the secret for years.

They have always had a section somewhere in the magazine called
“Laughter is the Best Medicine”.As it turns out, they were right.  A study at Vanderbilt University showed that you could burn up to 50 calories by laughing 10-15 minutes each day.  When laughing, people burned a lot more calories.  Laughter has other health benefits that include things like strain reduction, immune system boosting, natural pain relief and increased blood flow.

But …

Once you go on a diet, quiet often instead of a pound or two, the first thing you lose is your sense of humor.  I wish I could claim all these as original thoughts, but they are actually a compilation of humorous tips and quotes I found on the Internet.  They are meant to elicit at least a giggle (if not an outright guffaw) but some of them … well … they kind of make sense (at least in my twisted little mind).  Judge for yourself.  After all,“LMAO” is a great way to reduce weight in your hindquarters.


Let’s “laugh-ercise”!

   Put up a full length mirror …
On your refrigerator door.


Eat your food while staring into that mirror …
Totally naked!

“When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away.  But first I spray them with Raid so I won’t dig them out of the garbage later.  Be careful though, because that Raid really doesn’t taste that bad.”
                   -  Janette Barber

When eating donuts …
Only eat the center part.

Use the parental block feature on your television, for the Food Network.
Then eat the paper where you wrote down the pin and password.

If you are having Chinese food …
Eat with one chopstick.

“You know it’s time to diet when you push away from the table and the table moves.”
- Quoted in The Cockle Bur

Instead of carrying you laptop around with you …
Carry your desktop computer instead.

“Never eat more than you can lift.”
- Miss Piggy

Remove the wheels …
From your grocery cart.

Use superglue …
As a lip gloss.

Only eat food that you can catch …
With a toothpick.

“I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills.  Know what happened?  I ate faster.”
- Joe Lewis

Like the silent tree falling in the forest …
Food actually has no calories if no one sees you eating it.

Just say “McNO”!

“I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth’s gravitation pull has become since 1990.”
- Dave Barry

If you can’t pronounce the ingredients …
It contains no calories, but you probably shouldn’t eat it.

Eat anything you want …
Just don’t swallow it.

“The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.”
- Julia Child

Running to the refrigerator …
Is not considered exercise.

Ask yourself …
Is there really anything “lite” about “cellulite”?

If you ate pasta and antipasti …
Would you still be hungry?

If your dog is fat …
YOU are not getting enough exercise.

The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat …
It’s watching what other people eat.

“The biggest seller is cookbooks and second biggest seller is diet books.  Basically, how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook.”
- Andy Rooney

Self-delusion is pulling in your stomach …
When you step on the scale.

If you drink a diet soda while eating a candy bar …
The calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight …
Because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.  Unless there are three other people at the table.”
- Orson Welles

Dieting is …
Wishful shrinking.

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
Coincidence?  I think not!

I’m in shape.
Round is a shape, isn’t it?

Try the cardiologist’s diet.
If it tastes good … spit it out!

Containers of food that list the number of servings as greater than one are lying.  Every container includes one serving.  Half gallon of ice cream, box of cereal, bottle of soda, bag of chips are all one serving.

Food has replaced sex in my life;
I can’t even get into my own pants.

Foods that are frozen have no calorie because calories are units of heat …
Examples are ice cream. Popsicles and frozen pies.

Power bars and other types of energy bars make you thinner …
In all my years of exercising I have only seen thin people eating energy bars, ergo they must make you thin!

Tasting other people’s food does not add to your calorie count.

Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count …
Such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

I hope I’ve given you some giggle, snickers or laughs.  With that I’ll close for now,
because after all …

You can’t lose weight by talking about it …
You have to keep your mouth shut! 

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